objective: to live life.

Crazy Stupid

dearoldlove:

I was crazy to give you so many second chances. I am stupid for hoping you’d do the same for me now.

Nevertheless

dearoldlove:

I hope you know that you deserve to be happy, because you’re not the bad person you think you are. Nevertheless, you never deserved me.

Cat-Friendly

dearoldlove:

I used to hate cats. Now I pet each one, remembering how much you loved them. 

a letter i just wrote to my sister:

january 19, 2012

okay. so this is going to be really long, but i need to tell someone and i don’t think i can tell baby sis all of it—she’s really mature, but she is still thirteen. but this hurts so much.

so ex-so pushed me completely out of his life in november. i was going crazy all summer. getting super angry when in the past i was never that angry. i haven’t been this consistently angry EVER in my life. i get annoyed, i get frustrated, but never so angry i scream and shout and punch things and become destructive. i was hurting myself, too, feeling so super depressed after this happened that i would cry for hours sometimes, scratching at myself out of nervousness, eating way too much or not enough. and then things got really bad when ex-so pushed me out in november, telling me my drama was too much for him to deal with.

that’s when i almost committed suicide. i should maybe be sugar coating this, but i’m so sick of lying about how sick i was. that was the day i admitted myself to partial inpatient at the psych ward. the first five days i was completely numb. not only had i lost my boyfriend, but he was hanging out with this girl, pug, who i absolutely hate because when we were together, he was texting her things like how horny he was and how hot she was, and i’m like…..i was your GIRLFRIEND. that’s inappropriate. am i wrong about that? i don’t think i am. but while i was in the hospital, they diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. which means i basically went super crazy at the end of the summer because my highs were angry and violent instead of manic hyper, and my lows were completely in despair and crying all the time and not wanting to get out of bed. i was so angry at everyone, and so incredibly paranoid. i freaked out about everything—i was worried people thought i was crazy, people were laughing at me, people were glad i was out of their lives. there was a period when i thought you and baby sis would be better off without a sister who hulked out.

i don’t remember ANYTHING from august to november. it’s like whole months of my life just completely gone. and in that time, because i was so paranoid about so much, it’s like now that i’m lucid, i can’t trust my memories of people, because so many of them are tainted with anxiety.

ex-so told me, when we first broke up, that he wanted to be able to work on our friendship so we could go back to being together in a healthy way. and i flipped out. because at the time, all i was able to do was flip out. i didn’t GET it. it seemed like he was just pushing me away and then spending time with pug and their whole family thought they were dating, and when i asked him, the day he finally got rid of me, he said no, he wasn’t, he had no interest in seeing her.

which was a lie, because i found out he is. he has been keeping it from me. he told me he never lied to me. and i’ve become this person who freaks out about everything because my meds aren’t straight yet and i have emotions i don’t even want to have. i have emotions while watching myself, like through a mirror. i see myself freaking out or crying and i don’t WANT to be, but it’s like i can’t help it.

and it hurts because zach thinks i AM this person. he’s only known me for 14 months, and 9 of those months i was pretty crazy. i stopped taking my meds and going to therapy and pretended everything was fine. i began self-harming again. i then got so fucked up in the head that i drove him away, was having anxiety attacks, was paranoid because i felt like everyone was hiding things from me. i began freaking out on his sister because i felt like maybe she was the only one who could tell me the truth.

so on the 7th of january he and i met up so i could read him a letter i wrote him in therapy, and it was full of hurt. he said that it hurt him that i thought so little of him. he was my first, too: yep, embarrassing that i lost my virginity when i was 23. he was the first person i WANTED to give it to, especially because i was in really terrible relationships before that. one ex boyfriend verbally abused me, and hit me a couple of time. the other basically told me that the only way i could show i loved him was by crossing lines i wasn’t comfortable with. ex-so did none of those things. he was the first person i really trusted.

and then i told him that i was hoping maybe we could try things his way this time, because he’d told me he hoped we could be together on day, back in august, and i was stupidly holding on to that. he said his way wouldn’t work anymore, and at the time i didn’t realize it was because he was already WITH pug and didn’t want to tell me. and i feel so fucking STUPID because he just sat there and was like, “let’s agree not to talk about it”. and on the virginity issue, he was like, “when we first talked about it you were ready to just throw it away because you didn’t want to stigma anymore.” which is true, but i wasn’t actually going to DO it with some random person. but apparently he thought i would have.

so then i got super paranoid again, after our conversation, because pug is always there and his sister was clearly hiding things from me and his brother, f mcdb, was like, “well if they’re NOT together it’s the weirdest ‘not together’ i’ve seen since he and you were ‘not together’, so yeah, they’re together”. and it HURTS, lil sis. this hurts to fucking much. i think i was falling for him, like, the big one.

and he let me sit there and pour out how i felt when he clearly doesn’t feel the same way. so on sunday night, this last sunday, the 15th, i found out that they were dating, his sister finally told me, and he was like “i haven’t lied to you, you need to stop thinking i have. and you need to stop asking about my personal life.” and i’m like, if we’re friends, can’t i know about your personal life to an extent, especially if i feel you’re hiding something from me?! and he was all, if you really care about being my friend, who i’m seeing shouldn’t matter.

THIS HURTS. and i hate that it hurts. i hate that this disease has made me entirely someone i’m not. so the next morning, monday, i called him and tried calling again and he texted me, “name stop calling me” and i asked him to stop ignoring me, then, and he said “i’m ignoring you because i have nothing to say to you. you’ve hurt me and those close to me too many times”. and that hurt so. much. he said that i’ve lied to him and manipulated him and used him, and have lied to and used his sister, and he’s just done. and when i tried to explain this isn’t me, it’s this disease, it’s that i don’t even know how to control my emotions, he said it would get better, i just needed to give it time, and i was like, how can you tell me that and tell me we’re not friends? i said i knew i didn’t deserve a 3rd chance but i was asking for one, and he said no, i didn’t, and so now i needed to back off. he needed to sort his things out and i needed to learn to be his friend again. he said he only wants what’s best for me, but how is this what’s best for me?! how does he call this caring about me? he’s pushed me out, told me i need to back off, that i wait for him to initiate conversations, and i feel like i’m crazy.

like he doesn’t want me because i’m crazy. his new girlfriend is ugly as fuck but she’s normal, but i feel lied to. he told me he wanted us to work, and then because of the disease, i guess that became something he didn’t want. this isn’t me, lil sis. he lied to me about this girl, he lied to me about his feelings, but then i think that maybe i’m just seeing it as lies because i am so goddamn paranoid about everything.

here’s how it snowballs: he doesn’t want to be with me because i’m crazy and pug isn’t crazy, his sister hates me, his brother thinks i’m crazy, his parents will hate me, i will never be welcomed as a friend again, he will make an entire life with this fugly ass girl and i won’t be part of it, he will never again want to be with me because he doesn’t know ME. that is a terrible scenario that just spiraled out of control, see? i can’t control this. and it HURTS.

this is not who i am. i am not a girl who sits on the couch in a ball and cries for no reason, just starts out of nowhere. i am creative, and funny, and smart. i am not the girl who can’t even remember basic conversations she had days ago. i am not this girl who gets angry all the time, who doesn’t even trust her family members, who thinks everyone is angry at her. i am not this girl who looks in the mirror and only sees fat oozing out of her body. this girl who scratches herself to feel SOMETHING. i am not this girl who freaks out and doesn’t trust anyone and can’t even enjoy reading or writing or focus on a movie.

i am not this girl who loses her concentration in the middle of a sentence and can’t remember. who feels like she’s walking through each day in a fog. i know i was super mean to him this summer, but it feels, to me, like he thinks it was a complete personality change. i feel like he doesn’t get this is A SICKNESS. it’s like leukemia—it’s treatable, but it’s not curable, and i’ve only been on these meds for like a month and a half. i’m not even at the recommended doses yet. and now he’s pushed me out again and i don’t understand. what did i do except become this sick, mutated version of myself. i know that he’s been hurt. he tells me i’ve forced him into not trusting him. all i want is my friend back. all i wanted was someone to understand i was SICK. i still have no idea what i’m doing half the time. i still don’t feel like myself all the way, although there are moments. all i wanted was him to make time for me and try to understand. but whenever i tried to tell him, it came out angry. i just don’t understand what’s wrong with me. and now i have to wait for him to want me in his life. and this stupid girl he’s dating. his family KNOWS they’re dating. he never told them about us, officially. i’ve been so pushed out and replaced. i don’t understand if this is something he won’t see or something he does see and doesn’t want to deal with?

you’ve known me seventeen years. he’s barely known me seventeen months. this isn’t who i am, right? i don’t ignore my friends and find ways to stay alone and have periods where i cry and then laugh and then don’t sleep. i just….i don’t understand how he thinks this is me. does he think this is me? this hurts really, really badly.

queen of jacks: i am peeta: real or not real?

i am peeta: real or not real?

january 18, 2012

here’s what hurts as well:

that you have the potential to make a future with her and you got rid of that possibility with me because i was so sick i didn’t know who i was. i was so sick i pushed you away.

she’s not crazy.

i’m crazy.

i became so sick that i became someone i am NOT. i became crazy.

i talked to kate. she’s realized i’m sick. do people put blinders on?

people who have known me for YEARS have stuck through this. is it too scary?

is she just normal?

i don’t know what to do.

move on, get over it, get stronger, get better……..i went to the partial hospitalization program every. day. for three weeks. for the first twelve days i didn’t want to be there at all. the next twelve, i participated. i got on the right meds. i became me, almost.

the manic stages come out in fear, in paranoia, in anxiety, in giddiness and nervousness and shakiness. in thinking my own family is lying to me, thinking i’m crazy.

no reassurances are enough.

how do people not SEE this?

i hate being this way. i hate that it seems like people don’t want to see this ISN’T me.

and now this entire family, in my eyes, hates me. can’t accept that i’m sick. i have pushed away and alienated and god knows what the fuck else because i can’t even trust myself.

all my memories from the last seven months are tainted with paranoia. i know i went places and did things. i have proof—photos or ticket stubs or leaves pressed between pages—but i can’t REMEMBER them.

i don’t even know what i’m holding onto from people anymore—made up things? real things?

it hurts that my disease has pushed people away. it hurts that my little brothers and sisters have even noticed. they know that i’m not me. i know that it was hard being my friend. that me being not me was really hard. but it hurts that a few people don’t REALIZE THAT.

whatever. maybe i am a terrible person. maybe i am manipulative, a user, a bitch, a fuckup, someone who forces people not to trust her because she can’t even trust herself. anxious, paranoid, messed up, giddy, nervous, bouncy, cries when she can’t find her keys, pushes people away, can’t ever be in a relationship, can’t remember the last time she was HAPPY.

fuckup.

what makes me the most angry, january 17, 2012

the fact that people apparently think that i am the type of person who will get this angry and paranoid for no reason.

does everyone think i WANT to be like this? do people think i honestly ENJOY having bipolar and getting my meds straightened out and freaking out and not knowing my own emotions. regardless, i feel like my feelings aren’t being considered.

if i am going to be friends with someone, i feel like them hiding things from me is not the same as agreeing not to talk about it. i feel like purposeful withholding of information i was asking about for my own well-being, that was being held back because people thought it was for my own good, is wrong.

but hey, maybe i am in the wrong. maybe this person is right and i am manipulative and hurtful and force people not to trust me. maybe i do use people and lie to them. or maybe, and i’m so glad two of the people i am closest to seem to not have considered this, i am SICK. so sick that i’ve been screaming at my own family members. so sick that i’ve not been able to sleep without the lights on because the night terrors are back. so sick that i can’t trust my own thoughts. so sick that i go through fifteen emotions a day. so sick that all i’m looking for is support, and all i get are walls and people lying to me and hiding things from me and turning others against me.

i am responsible in some ways, because they are my actions. but i also wish people could take into account that, if they REALLY knew me, they would know this is NOT me.

this isn’t me.

it hurts that people don’t see or can’t see or WON’T see this isn’t me. yes, i have hurt people. but i’ve been hurt too. people seem to think that i am righteous in my anger when really i’m not at all in control of anything emotion wise right now. it’s a fight every day to feel happy or feel normal. i bank it all down most days for fear of seeming crazy. people seem to think that this is how i am living because i WANT to be. even though they know there’s something wrong with me, no one seems to believe it. (well, the ones who matter do. those people know.)

it hurts that i’ve been completely pushed aside because it’s “in my best interest” and people “only want what’s best” for me. because telling me i’m manipulative and a user and a liar and a terrible person who can be a good person if they really TRY hard enough and pushing me away and not being my friend and instead just telling me they need time, like this is all somehow MY fault, is really in my best interest.

thank you so much for explaining it to me.